Nicole Stein

I swipe my badge, it opens the door
I didn't know it did that anymore
It's been so long since I've been to this place
For months now I've been staying home
Watching my baby as she's grown
And man, I'm gonna miss her smiling face

But to see actual real, live grown-ups
It'll be totally strange
I'm meant to do much more than diaper change

'Cause for the first time in forever
I'm logging in to google3
And for the first time in forever
I could cause an OMG (I won't, though!)
And I know I'll have so much to juggle
But my duties, I won't shirk
'Cause for the first time in forever
I'm coming back to work

I can't wait to see everyone!
What if our next messaging app is the one?

After I go skipping down the hall
I'll take a break, hit a ping pong ball
Or 3D print inside our makerspace
Ooh, I suddenly see it over there
A Lego room, a massage chair
And lots of snacks to stuff right in my face

And when I go home in the evening
It will seem totally bizarre
But still the best part of my day by far!

And for the first time in forever
I'll grab a snack from the MK
For the first time in forever
I'll be wearing pants all day
Where "load balancing" doesn't mean laundry
And a "change list" doesn't track poo
For the first time in forever
I've got coding to do!

The other morning I read online
That standing desks are good for you

Figured I might as well give it a try
Hey, what did I have to lose?

Sitting eight hours a day is just as bad
As using vim or smoking crack
Least that's what all the guys on reddit say
It's good, 'cause now I can't go back!

Looks like I'm standing today
And on my feet I will stay
I picked my desk up, and now it is stuck this way

I will not dwell on regret
Although my desk won't reset
I'm gonna stand tall
'Cause my desk is stuck this way (stuck this way)

Guess I'm on my feet today
Yeah my desk is stuck this way
Yeah my desk is stuck this way
Guess I'm on my feet today
Yeah my desk is stuck this way
Can't go back baby, now it's stuck this way

Don't use a chair, just use your feet
Don't use a chair, just use your feet
Don't use a chair, just use your feet
Don't sit don't sit don't sit

I tried the crank
And I tried brute force
But my desk will not be budged

And all this standing
Builds an appetite
I think it's time for early lunch

You wouldn't think furniture could defeat
An engineer trained at MIT (hey hey hey)
This darn contraption, though, has got me beat
Mi fanno male i piedi, yeah

Looks like I'm standing today
And on my feet I will stay
I picked my desk up, and now it is stuck this way

I will not dwell on regret
Although my desk won't reset
I'm gonna stand tall
'Cause my desk is stuck this way

Guess I'm on my feet today
Yeah my desk is stuck this way
Yeah my desk is stuck this way
Guess I'm on my feet today
Yeah my desk is stuck this way
Can't go back baby, now it's stuck this way

Don't use a chair, just use your feet
It's overrated to take a seat
No Aeron chair, no fitness ball
No office stool, I'm standing tall
I've got no disability
'Cept an old case of runner's knee
I won't let that stop me today
No choice, my desk is stuck this way

No matter how much I try
My desk is staying this high
Monitor centered at eye level
About five foot five
No matter how hard I fight
My desk keeps standing upright
Filed a GUTS ticket
Now just gotta wait and survive

Looks like I'm standing today
And on my feet I will stay
I picked my desk up, and now it is stuck this way

I will not dwell on regret
Although my desk won't reset
I'm gonna stand tall
'Cause my desk is stuck this way

Guess I'm on my feet today
Yeah my desk is stuck this way
Yeah my desk is stuck this way
Guess I'm on my feet today
Yeah my desk is stuck this way
Can't go back baby, now it's stuck this way

Yeah it's stuck this way, hey
My desk's stuck this way, hey
And I'm four months pregnant
Standin' with my baybay

Someone from REWS is here — yay!
Someone from REWS is here — yay!
They put my desk back
Now time to go home for the day!

I've got a favorite IDE
It's so fine, it can't be beat
It's got all the features I desire
But now it's DiRT and it's on fire

I want Cider
I want Cider
I want Cider
I want Cider

Went to code but the site is down
And I don't wanna mess around
With emacs, vim, or IntelliJ
I'd prefer Cider any day

I want Cider
I want Cider
I want Cider
I want Cider

Cider with g4, there's nothing better
You know it's my favorite code typesetter
Some day soon you'll be back online
Then I'll use Cider all the time

I want Cider
I want Cider
I want Cider
I want Cider

Cider — it's this OMG
Cider — making me crazy
Cider — format code for me
All I want is Cider!

Cider — it's this OMG
Cider — making me crazy
Cider — format code for me
All I want is Cider!
(hey, hey, hey, hey)
All I want is Cider!
(hey, hey, hey, hey)
All I want is Cider!

It's the worst, it's the realest
I slept 3 hours and now I feel it (now I feel it)
And I'm still gettin down to business
I can stay awake, screw this 14 hour time difference (right)

You don't want an engineer like this (ha)
Writing code on zero sleep just like this (yeah)
Cup of joe, cup of tea, cup of joe
Watch me go, fixing bugs, crossing tickets off the list (off the list)
Though I'm not doing so great, gotta say that
Fixing fewer bugs than I create, now (what)
Do a rollback, got to erase that
Nap pod's free now, I should take that

I'm so jet lagged
You don't even know
Not used to traveling
From Newark to Tokyo

I'm so jet lagged
I miss my pillow
My body don't know,
What time it is any more

Sometimes
Something beautiful happens
In your code

Oh
Google
And nicolestein@

You don't know how to express yourself so
You just gotta sing

I just wrote tests
And they passed so good
Now I'm gonna put these changes
Inside our code
I just wrote tests
And I'll never go back
To the not writing tests ways of the past

Have you ever wrote tests?
I have, it went great
It felt so good when I made that TAP the greenest
My TL made me do it
It literally just happened
Now I'm in the group chat like, guys have you seen this?

You'll never guess what I just did
I wrote tests
If I had to describe them I'd say they were the best
When I wrote those tests
Man I felt so great
Sent the CL out right after I was done

Oh hey, didn't see you there
Guess what I just did?
Wrote tests, ran tests, watched them pass and all the rest

Well, sure
Nice you LGTMed that thing
'Cause my tests were so awesome
Now sing

I just wrote tests
And they passed so good
Now I'm gonna put these changes
Inside our code
I wanna tell the world

To be honest
I'm surprised that my tests even passed
Thought for sure that they'd fail
But man, they kicked ass
I ain't one to argue with a good thing
My tests are blazing here
That fast?
Best half hour of my career

I'm so humbled by the feedback
That was left by my reviewer
'Cuz honestly I thought my tests
were stinky like manure
I'll keep in mind that feedback,
Always lookin' to be better
All green checkmarks here,
You won't see no red letters

So this one's dedicated to those machines
That let us run our jobs on them
For every function call
Tests large and small
We wanna thank you all
For running our tests

Only tested a few methods
Doesn't matter, wrote tests
Got 5% code coverage
Doesn't matter, wrote tests
All my comments are just swear words
Doesn't matter, wrote tests
I think I ran in the wrong client
Still counts!

I just wrote tests
And my dreams came true
So if your tests passed in the last
30 minutes then you're qualified
To sing with me

I just wrote tests (Everybody sing)
And they passed so good
Now I'm gonna put these changes
Inside our code
I just wrote tests
And I'll never go back
To the not writing tests ways of the past

My buddy's a Googler
Went to the Googleplex to see her
Got blown away by what I found there
I should've visited sooner
There's snacks and treats wherever you seek
Six different flavors of water
And every conference room is unique
Think I'll come back next week
"Can I work here?"
You heard me say it.

Googlers work wherever they like
Long as they don't camp in a phone room
The only rule there seems to be here
You must eat kale at each meal
Let me work here, I would love it
I'll move those protos well

Memegen, memegen, memegen

Take me to work
I could work next to a ball pit for the rest of my life
I'd sleep in a nap pod, so I could stay there all night
Hire me as a level 3
Come on, give me the Googler life

I wrote the packet from hell
20k chars written well
Then onto your desk it fell
Looks like you're in my way

Three years I've worked hard for this
There's so much sunlight I've missed
But hey, you signed up for this
committee in my way

My perf score's amazing
Blaze builds always blazing
Peers wrote solid praise, so
Why don't you promote me, baby?

Hey, I don't know you
But this ain't crazy
So here's my packet
Promote me, maybe?
Not hard to see my impact, baby
So here's the numbers
Promote me, maybe?

You took your time to review
With that whole process you do
Now my one on one's at 2
Did you get in my way?

I code CLs and write docs
Fix bugs and implement mocks
Hoping that more Google stock
Might be coming my way

My perf score's amazing
Blaze builds always blazing
Peers wrote solid praise, so
Why don't you promote me, baby?

Hey, I don't know you
But this ain't crazy
So here's my packet
Promote me, maybe?
Not hard to see my impact, baby
So here's the numbers
Promote me, maybe?

The only thing I want is to become an L5
To be an L5,
to be a Level 5

G G GCLAP!

These picture-perfect specs
Coded and double checked
Now there's just one thing left to do
Wait for the presubmits
Kick back and scroll Reddit
Till Critique lets me know it's time
And then I run

GCLAP! Replacing my goldens
The shell goes on and on and on and on then
GCLAP! I've got a CL
LGTM, looks good to me now
GCLAP! Swap out my screenshots
The shell goes on and on and on and on then
GCLAP! The Scuba tests pass
LGTM, looks good to me now

Two pixels to the left
Make my app look its best
That's all I changed, and yet there's 50 failing tests, uh oh
I know just what to do
gclap, you've got me, boo
You know it's like a magic spell, just paste and go
Let's run it now

GCLAP! Replacing my goldens
The shell goes on and on and on and on then
GCLAP! I've got a CL
LGTM, looks good to me now
GCLAP! Swap out my screenshots
The shell goes on and on and on and on then
GCLAP! The Scuba tests pass
LGTM, looks good to me now

You cover light and also dark mode
You let me check my code in
No matter how often I screw up
You keep on making screenshots, that's why I love...

GCLAP! Replacing my goldens
The shell goes on and on and on and on then
GCLAP! I've got a CL
LGTM, looks good to me now
GCLAP! Swap out my screenshots
The shell goes on and on and on and on then
GCLAP! The Scuba tests pass
LGTM, looks good to me now

GCLAP! Replacing my goldens
The shell goes on and on and on and on then
GCLAP! I've got a CL
LGTM, looks good to me now
GCLAP! Swap out my screenshots
The shell goes on and on and on and on then
GCLAP! The Scuba tests pass
LGTM, looks good to me now

Well my badge is packed and ready to go
A shipping box outside my door
An email I sent out to say goodbye
My corp access will shut off tonight
Laptop powered down for one last time
My backpack feels unnaturally light

So write tests and code for me
Tell me that you'll meme for me
Hold my ldap, never let it go
'Cause I'm leavin'
Leavin' Google
Don't know when I'll be back again
Unless you bring me there for lunch

Time to crank my standing desk back down
Send my thanks and farewells all around
But no more GVCs or friendly pings
Every search I make, I'll think of Goog
Every song I sing, I'll think of Goog
These last eight years — well, they've meant everything

So write tests and code for me
Tell me that you'll meme for me
Hold my ldap, never let it go
'Cause I'm leavin'
Leavin' Google
Don't know when I'll be back again
Please bring me back for lunch

Now the time has come to send this
One more time
I'll reread this
Close my tabs
And I'll be on my way
Daydream about the good old days
Hanging out in the MK
About the times, I didn't have to say...

Write tests and code for me
Tell me that you'll meme for me
Hold my ldap, never let it go
'Cause I'm leavin'
Leavin' Google
Don't know when I'll be back again
Please please bring me back for lunch

Yes I'm leavin'
Leavin' Google
Don't know when I'll be back again
And I'll miss you all so much

The screen glows white on our laptops tonight
blinking cursor on the screen
We're working in isolation
no direction from the team

Meetings 'bout nothing that go on from dawn 'til night
A quest to find a Quest, but Quests will make it right

Don't let them know, Don't let them see
This project's secret, everybody let us be!
Conceal! — They'll need an NDA
Or we can't say...

Let it go, let it go
I'm not sure what this meeting's for
Let it go, let it go
Will this thing make it out the door?

I don't know
what the modules page should say!
The meeting goes on...
The project is launching anyway!

Evidence from the future,
or suggestions of now?*
They're both uber important* —
but no one can tell me how!

It's time to see what I can do
Make wireframes, make a breakthrough
Architecting new ways to think… I think?*

Let it go, let it go
Turn your "growth mindset" on high*
Let it go, let it go
This project makes me want to cry

Here we sit
And sit all day…
The meeting goes on!

I'm wireframing straight to the eureka zone*
A survey thing, maybe we'll run it on a phone?*
Used Illustrator even though I don't know how
Oh wait, it's meeting time,
It's time to pivot now!*

Let it go, let it go
No need to raise any alarms
Let it go, let it go
Let Quest magic work it's charm

Here we'll stand
On delivery day
Let the code go out
The project is launching anyway!

Just finished this changelist
Right at end of day
Now it just needs approvals
But my team has gone away
I promise you it's trivial
It just needs your review
For style and readability
Won't you see it through?

Can you review my code tonight?
It won't take too long
It's enough to hit LGTM
So we can both go home
Please review my code tonight

Let's lay this to rest
I need to get this in before the freeze
I swear I ran the tests

You must be a Noogler
You have so much to learn
And I've got other things to do
You'll have to wait your turn
Hold on, you just submitted
Someone else reviewed
Did you ask a thousand coworkers?
That's not a Googley move

Did you break the build tonight? (Did I?)
There's an OMG
I had hoped I could leave at six o'clock
To see my family
Can you review my code tonight? (Denied!)
How dare you even ask?

I promise that you'll want to see this one
It's a clean rollback
I promise that you'll want to see this one
It's a clean rollback

It might seem crazy what we're bout to say
But it's been 5 years that we've been engaged
Every time that we go home, the fam asks “when's the date?”
So we're here to tell you it's the 22 of May

We're getting married
Fillin' up the Pinterest boards with linens, rings, and shoes
We're getting married
Drivin' around Albany checkin' out all the venues
We're getting married
Practicing for our first song. Why'd I quit dance at age five?
We're getting married
I got this sequined tank top just in case you can't tell I'm the bride

We'll tie the knot down at the Hall of Springs
We're taking vows and we're exchanging rings,
So put on your dancing shoes and all will be fine,
Just come prepared to have an awesome time

Here's why

We're getting married
Learning terminology — like what the heck's a pipe & drape?
We're getting married
Renting a tuxedo — or maybe I could wear a cape?
We're getting married
Checking off my to do list, just like the Knot told me to do
We're getting married
None of this really matters, long as we get to celebrate with you!

Look at these shows, aren't they neat?
Wouldn't you think my collection's complete?
There's so many DVDs,
and I've TiVoed everything...

Look at these shows,
treasures untold,
how many more gigs,
can one hard drive hold?
Looking around here you'd think,
Sure, she's watched everything...
I've got Chuck, Psych, and Numbers* aplenty,
and How I Met Your Mother galore,
You want 30 Rock? I've got 20...
But who cares, all I want's 24...

I wanna see where the action is,
I wanna watch that badass Jack Bauer,
Shootin' up bad guys for — whaddaya call it?
CTU?

I wanna see lots of cars blow up,
see the shit hit the fan every hour
Kidnapping, drug deals, and what's that word again?
Oh, amnesia...

Watch Bauer walk, watch Bauer run,
watch Bauer take twelve guys out with no gun
Squealing with glee, wish I could see
more 24

What would I give,
Just to relive, with one more season...
What would I pay, for Kiefer to play that badass again?
But the questions at hand — I just can't understand,
how could he have such a stupid daughter?
And why's the president moonlighting as
the Allstate man?

I'm ready to sit down and watch the show,
Got my popcorn, now just need some answers
Like what genius in CTU Hiring
keeps bringing on spies?

So when's season nine?
Oh how I pine, to see more explosions, torture, and land mines
Do it for me, I just want to see
More 24

*(I've never actually seen Numbers.)

Sarah — whose real name we don't know — was getting bored
A new assignment in an electronics store
While Chuck, the Nerd Herd guy, was answering some phones
With no idea that soon he wouldn't be alone

(La da da da, la da da, la da da)
(La da da da, la da da, la da da)

Chuck and Sarah

Often Sarah would have spells where she'd forget
That this was just a mission, Chuck was not her friend
All kinds of feelings she would soon learn to deny
Because spies never fall in love

(La da da da, la da da, la da da)
(La da da da, la da da, la da da)

Chuck and Sarah
Chuck and Sarah

Chuck found his Dad and uncovered some plans
And Sarah came to save the day again
Had to blow up some cars
And run off into the dark
Maybe next time there'll be a submarine?

(Bryce Larkin's an asshole...)

She saw the lights, she saw his pale smiling face
Some strange machines filled up their underground space
Visions of secrets and of criminals with scars
Make it impossible to just stay in the car
And when Chuck fixed up Sarah's phone, Sarah smiled

(La da da da, la da da, la da da)
(La da da da, la da da, la da da)

Chuck and Sarah
Chuck and Sarah